Wear a ring on your wedding finger that looks like a legit wedding band thing.

Go to a crowded bar with some weak-ass mixed drinks, shiny shirts, and loads of women.

Watch them all freak out.

dag did i wear deodorant today? my pits is MAD itchy

When the ladies are all hot and they’ve had enough freaking out, they will finally surrender to the fact that they must approach you. They will ask questions like:

“So, you’re married?”

or

“So, how long have you been married?”

or

“So you’re married, but aint you had any new tacos yet, daddy-o?”

Then you say:

“OH, I’m not married.”

She’ll kind of make a weird face and say:

“Uhm, so why are you wearing a ring?”

Then you say:

“So I don’t have to have sex with any nosy ass bitches like you tonight!!!”

zzzzzZING.